Fight, Flight, Freeze. . .Fawn?
You have likely heard the saying "fight, flight, or freeze," which refers to our autonomic fear/trauma responses.
When you recognize an emotional or physical threat, whether perceived or real, your brain and autonomic nervous system (ANS) quickly assesses the situation and responds. This process occurs in the primitive, limbic system of the brain, often referred to as your "lizard brain," thus, how you respond to danger is not logical or conscious, it is deeply instinctual and outside of your awareness.
When your brain assesses that you are of an equal or greater match to your threat, you fight.
When your brain assesses that you have a greater chance of getting away from your threat than to confront it, you take flight.
But what happens when you can't fight, and you can't run from your threat...?
This is where the freeze and fawn responses come in.
In a freeze response, you shut down to block out the threat.
However, in a fawn response, you try to appease or appeal to the threat.
When we examine the act of people pleasing from a trauma informed lens, we see it not as an act of weakness, but as an act of survival.
Fawning can take many forms. It can look like saying yes when you want to say no, fearing self-expression, avoiding conflict, prioritizing the needs and feelings of others over your own, seeking external validation and approval, or being excessively nice, flattering, or compliant.
Fawning often begins as a trauma response to childhood abuse and neglect. A child who is unable to fight or run away from an abuser, especially when it is someone they rely on for survival, may “play nice” to deescalate conflict and get their needs met. In turn, they can subconsciously become over-reliant on the fawning survival response when faced with external stressors.
This child will likely become an adult who struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth, lack of self-awareness and identity, porous (weak) boundaries, and codependency.
If you exhibit the fawning response, you’re probably wondering how to free yourself from it.
Since fawning is a learned behavior, it can be unlearned.
Awareness is the first step. You must recognize your fawning patterns of behavior and intentionally change them—say no when you want to say no, acknowledge and honor your feelings, speak up for yourself, trust your decision-making process, set healthy boundaries. . .
The challenge is that if you've spent majority of your life minimizing and abandoning yourself to merge with the needs, wants, and demands of others, it is likely that not only is it difficult for you to identify, express, and honor your feelings, needs, and desires, it feels unsafe for you to do so.
This is where therapy comes in.
When I work with clients who exhibit the fawn response, most of whom are trauma survivors, I start the deconditioning process by teaching them how to heal their nervous systems, which are typically dysregulated from continuous trauma and stress. This work creates space to unlearn and decondition the mind and body from the fawn response in a way that is emotionally and physically safe. From there, I teach clients how to identify their own values, needs, and desires, and reconnect with their inner compass/guidance system. I then support them in identifying and following through on action steps to meet their needs and align their lives with their core values. Step by step, they shift from surviving to thriving as they develop a sense of safety and freedom to live as their whole, authentic selves.
If you want to break free from your fawn response, I invite you to work with me! Email me at contact@trueinheritancetherapy.com to schedule a consultation.
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